'Twas two nights before Xmas and all through the station,
Everyone except Will had gone on vacation.
The WMNR refrigerator was bare,
Except for stale coffee cake Jane Stadler left there.
The listeners were nestled all snug in their beds,
Dominique Johnson’s great program still danced in their heads,
But for Concert Stage, Words & Music, the truth of it is,
They only tune in for Musical Mystery Quiz.
Then out in the parking lot there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the microphone to see what was the matter,
I ran to the window like a son of a gun,
and tripped over Bill Stine’s damn Turntable For One.
The moon was so bright that it lit up one spot
Of WMNR’s wonderful parking lot,
(Jane and Kurt reserved a spot just for me
Near the dumpsters underneath a dead maple tree).
Yes the moon on the breast of the old dirty snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the objects below,
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But Gary Gerard and eight tiny reindeer!
His voice filled the air as his team drew so near,
His diction was perfect, his tones full and clear,
In awe I listened and wondered from afar,
“Why the hell isn’t Gary on NPR?”
Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen!
On, Comet, on, Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen!
Set down on the roof, as gently as you canna,
But watch out for the listener-supported antenna!
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof,
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the staircase Gary came with a bound.
“What brings you here Gary?” I asked with delight,
It’s not Wednesday or Saturday, it’s just Friday night!”
With a twinkling eye Gary said, “It’s my onus
To deliver your WMNR holiday bonus!”
I couldn’t believe what Gary was saying,
I even forgot that there was no music playing!
So excited was I, I did not even care
And listeners heard nothing but lots of dead air.
He reached in his bag with a smile on his face,
My palms they did sweat, my heart it did race,
My first Christmas bonus at WMNR!
Could it be a vacation, or keys to a new car?
Could it be a plane ticket
Especially for me?
To the WMNR villa
Gary spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
he gave me a stocking and said “Don’t be a jerk”
The wink of his eye and the twist of his head,
Filled me with a kind of sickening dread.
I reached into the stocking
Santa Gary said “Yup.”
“Another WMNR blue coffee cup.”
And laying a finger on side of his nose,
And giving a nod up the staircase he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, with nary a sound
Shut off my program and streamed Broadway Bound.
But I heard him exclaim
Filled with holiday glee,
“Don’t forget to play the station ID!”